Did You Ever Wonder?
Jacquelyn K. Smiertka, RN
Recently while in San Diego for the annual American Society for Bariatric Surgery conference I had the opportunity to be alone for a couple of days. Other than talking to my husband and mom on the phone I had the rare privilege of making myself disappear. Even though I was around hundreds of people I was able to observe what was going on around me as opposed to me feeling like I had to be a part of a discussion or feel like I had to pay attention and learn something. My brain was free. I could walk and think uninhibited by work, projects, or my upcoming months of a challenging agenda.
I did what I love to do most was walk, once in awhile stopping to rest to enjoy the view of San Diego Bay and experience quiet thinking time. On my rest stops I observed and enjoyed watching the small children. Soon to have our first grandchild, I wanted to get a few ideas about how small children respond to their environment. They are full of wonderment, touching everything they would believe needed to be looked at more closely. These small inquisitive children didn’t appear to miss anything going on around them. Those who could talk asked questions, many questions. Those who could just barely walk did so and frequently walked so fast they would fall down only to quickly get back up and move on. I wondered what it would be like to have that kind of uninhibited freedom, to be carefree and to be so curious about everything and all the while not taking anything for granted.
On one of my rest stops I saw a young man, maybe in his mid 30’s who appeared to be a little disheveled. I had seen him earlier eating a piece of pizza outside of a restaurant. His jeans were torn in the knees much like those the more affluent kids are wearing at a cost of $100 or more. His jacket was worn but how would I know if it was or wasn’t in style? While he walked in front of me, out of the clear blue appeared three police officers asking to speak with him. His name was Joshua, he was 39 years old and he was very articulate. He was considerate of the officers to answer politely regarding what he had been doing. He told them he had just finished eating a piece of pizza in front of a local restaurant. They asked about his record. He replied quickly saying he had just spent an ‘overnight’ a few weeks ago but they released him because his record was clean. Joshua was a good looking man. His jeans were not from a fancy store and his jacket was worn, likely it was the only one he had. Joshua was homeless.
When the police officers let Joshua move on I wondered why they had stopped to question him in the first place. Was it because he was homeless and a little bit more of a mover then the others who seemed to camp out along the sidewalk? Why was he homeless anyway? Some say that people who are homeless prefer to be. I am not so sure that I believe that. Did Joshua have a job at one time, a wife and children? I live in Michigan where the economy is on the downslide and wealthy executives are losing their jobs and some also lose their families. It is sad to know some families only stay together during affluent times but I have seen it happen. What about Joshua? Had he been an executive at one time? It would be something for me to wonder why this good looking and articulate man was homeless as he seemed to disappear after the interrogation. Would he move on to another area of San Diego, or to another part of the state? I would never know but I will always wonder.
It seemed like I walked for miles in those first couple of days prior to the beginning of conference. Not only did I manage to get in plenty of exercise I also was able to have a good lesson in sociology, observing people of all cultures. If I had remembered my camera I could have filled an album with pictures of all of the children, of their parents who watched them ever so closely, of the dogs who for the most part were well behaved and I would have taken a picture of Joshua. I can see his face and I will always wonder what story he would have told about his life.
During my ‘disappearing act’ prior to conference I thought many times about the patients I have had the privilege to work with over the years and about all of the stories they have told me about their lives. They, like many of the children I observed in San Diego, were full of wonderment when we first met. They would start their weight loss journeys by challenging me, asking questions, wanting correct answers and keeping me on my toes on a daily basis. I attribute each of these individuals for teaching me the important stuff I know. Not necessarily the technical stuff but the real honest lessons of life.
Like Joshua, I wonder whatever happened to some of our patients. Some seemed to disappear off the face of the earth. I would like to think they did so well that my words of wisdom were no longer needed. Most of all I would like to think that if they ever needed help they would know how to reach me. From those who have been lost to follow-up I have learned that I should always question what we might be doing wrong to lose them in the first place. Some do stop by from time to time and what a thrill it is to hear about their new lives. They let us know why they haven’t been around and how they are taking care of themselves. I am relieved to see them but what about the rest? I will always wonder how they are doing.
I look back on that short period of time I was able to disappear. I didn’t know anyone and no one knew who I was. Perhaps it was a break we all need as often our everyday lives can inhibit our ability to think clearly. When the time came I was glad to finally meet with my friends and have to start thinking again. I would be a part of conversations, do a presentation, answer and ask questions, my disappearing act would be over for awhile. I did make a resolution to disappear every once in awhile, it was good for my spirit. I had the time to wonder about life in general and the lives of those I would see but never have the opportunity to meet. Most of all I thought about how I could improve my ability to be able to help enrich the quality of life for those individuals I will be able to work with in the future.
I found an interesting quote while surfing the net that pretty much verifies why temporarily ‘disappearing’ is worthwhile. "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." So to that I would summarize by saying, "Be childlike, wonder about things around you, ask questions, many questions, be inquisitive and run like a child. If you fall get back up and move on."